Friends.

[Marie F]

I'll start by admitting this: Currently I still present my gender as male. Though I've made what I feel to be tremendous strides in the past two months getting closer to what I feel is an "acceptable" foundation to build the true me upon, I can't expect anyone I don't know personally to address me as anything else by my male name, "sir," "dude," "man," "bro," or what have you.

However, since the new year I've told many of my friends about how I've been feeling and how it's my main drive for making the changes I've been making. Not one of them have been shitty to me about it all, and very supportive, if not curious. I've heard everything from, "You'll still be you, you'll just look different." to "I just want you to be happy." I feel fortunate that I've chosen good friends who keep my happiness as a priority, as I'm sure many people in transition haven't had that. However, not everyone knows yet, so perhaps I've just been hedging my bets with those I've assured myself would be more accepting.

However, when I consider "You'll still be you, you'll just look different," I become mildly concerned. Before feeling confident enough to tell people how I've felt, I spent most of my time worrying who would leave me after all is said and done. As stated before, I still present as a male, though I've been making feminine adjustments. I can't read minds, so I can't say for sure if some are taking me seriously or not. However, another concern has been growing inside lately. I feel that now that I've begun to let go of negative things bred by years of denial and anger and begun to nurture other ways of thinking and feeling, I've begun to perceive the world around me differently. This includes some of my friends. There have been times where I'll be around certain friends and after watching or hearing them do something, I begin to consider why I'm friends with them and it makes me rather uneasy. I won't just look different, I'm already feeling different.

I have a tendency to accomodate or put others before myself, which I feel is a virtue but has caused a lot of conflict with being who I feel I need to be in the past. Though I still feel the tug and nag of this behavior I know that there are certain things that need or have to be done in order to promote my own happiness and growth. More or less, I feel that though in the past I've worried about others leaving me. But now, I've begun to wonder if it will be me doing the leaving.

It pains me to think of feeling it necessary to leave people I've called friends for years. Especially when, externally, they've expressed the desire to accept me and be happy for me. Am I jumping the gun here? Is this one of those things where only time will tell? I understand that friends always wane and wax in one's life depending on one's own circumstances and theirs as well. I'm just lost in this and don't relish the idea of wanting to distance myself from anyone who's put forth sincere effort. Or maybe I'm just overreacting? Has anyone else felt like this that can give any advice or opinions?

[Tawny Frogmouth]

There are two things I see at work here:

First, you're facing a great change, a kind of long-distance journey. In some ways, an ego-death as you slough off parts of you that you've kept in place to sustain a persona. It's normal, in such circumstances, to condition yourself for the change or journey by detaching yourself from your surroundings, your acquaintances. One disencumbers one's self in preparation for a quest... and for death.

Second, you're probably anticipating their rejection, and pre-emptively building up the defenses in yourself. If they're not your "real friends" by the time you actually begin your change, then their (feared) shunning of you won't hurt so much.

My thoughts? Let them be who they are, as they are. Neither grasp nor push. You have a lot on your plate and much more to come. Your perceptions are going to be unreliable for quite a while. There will be loss, almost certainly, but there may well be surprising growth. Take your friends where you find them, treasure the ones you have, mourn the ones you actually lose, greet the new ones you make.

Above all, take care of yourself.

[aliciadarling]

Hi Marie:

Some things are casualties of transitioning. Either you will abandon some of them or vice versa. You may find that the relationship has changed or maybe they won't look you in the eye anymore. Some may just find ways to avoid you.

I'm not saying that would be the case with all of your friends, but some of them more than likely.

I had a long time friend whom is not really one now. He still wants his old guy buddy and memories and I'm not that guy anymore.

People say we don't or won't change but we do. We were never free to be fully who we were before, but now we can be and we are not the same as when we were hiding stuff and pretending while acting out a role.

[Marie F]

There are two things I see at work here:

Second, you're probably anticipating their rejection, and pre-emptively building up the defenses in yourself. If they're not your "real friends" by the time you actually begin your change, then their (feared) shunning of you won't hurt so much.

I apologize, I don't think I emphasized my point enough. To be more clear, I worry more about there coming a time in which I may feel necessary to leave friends who've done nothing but their best. Not through any fault of their own, but because I've changed. Those who will shun me, well, I know there's not much I can do about that, nor can I expect anyone to accomodate me by changing themselves. I'm at peace with that. Just not so much with no longer feeling as if I connect with people who have taken initiative and effort to stay my friend.

[elliebean]

nor can I expect anyone to accomodate me by changing themselves.

I would say don't expect anyone to accomodate you, but also don't let them expect you to accomodate them. Being too accomodating is not good, I can tell you that.

But why would it ever become necessary to leave your friends, if they really are doing their best? The only reason I know of to make a decision to leave a friendship is if it becomes unhealthy to stay in it. Other than that, let friendships come and go naturally. That's not to say not to invest time in nurturing friendships you value; just be honest with yourself about how much you value them.

[Marie F]

Somehow I don't think I've conveyed things accurately. But Ellie's right, I'm probably just over-thinking the subject.

[Tawny Frogmouth]

No, you have. I understand how the second half of my own post was off the mark. But I still think the first part is relevant, and I don't like to be redundant.

[Vicky]

I have heard this before, but it is something that I have noticed being true for many years

We have friends for reasons, Friends for Season's, and Friends for LIFE.

Friends for reasons are ones that will be our friends as long as something holds us together with them. I have people I have been friends with in an organization that works with youth. To this organization, my decision to transition will make me inelegible for membership. I will miss these friends who were very much friends, and with whom we did much good for our children and each other's. My own children are grown and so are their's, its time to say so long even though so much good came of it. We were friends for the reason of raising children. Friends for a reason.

Friends for a Season come and go as the seasons change. Not just weather seasons though. They are good and wonderful friends that help us through the seasons of our life. Friends in high school have grown up as I have and friends on a school team or Class play will become tied up with life and other teams and plays. The season was over.

Friends for LIFE are those that will support your life as you must lead it. They may not be with you the whole length of that life, but they will live in your memory and be helpful long after they have left your presence.

All three types will happen to us, we just need to have the wisdom to know which type they are and to let them have that part of our lives.

[Marie F]

Thank you for the advice everyone.

[Jennifer2008]

i found it very tough to play the guessing game regarding who would be comfortable with my transition and who wouldn't. bottom line, you gotta do what you gotta do. yes i lost family and friends, but i gained many new ones.. for those that turn your back, you're probably better off without them. the last thing any transsexual needs is negativity around them. surround yourself with positive people and embrace the ones that choose to stay supportive..

[Jay3645]

I found that during my transition, more people act positively then negatively. I think if your friends are already accepting of what you told them, then they should be fine when you come out and tell them the rest. Like others have said, if they don't stay your friend then they weren't true friends in the first place. Best of luck to you!