Forums for Significant Others

[Misty]

Does anybody know of any good forums or even just websites that cater to spouses of TGs? My wife did a search and came across a forum that only had one thread written by a spouse and it was just hateful, "he's not really a woman and I hate him" type of crap. I was wondering if there's something out there that will help her in some way.

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what she's looking for. She doesn't want to read anything with information about my condition. She doesn't want to read something where people talk about supporting your trans loved one. For all I know she's look g for a group of people botching about the trannies that they dumped. I don't really know.

I told her about that book written by the spouse of a trans woman (can't remember the name right now), but she doesn't want to read a book on it. "I can't find time to read a book that I want to read." By the way, the book she finds more important is Eclipse about the sparkly vampires.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas of a website to tell her about? Something for spouses that's not all about her being supportive, but not totally hateful either? I know she won't go to any meetings, but a website where she can hear a mix of opinions and feel she has some support, she's voiced interest in.

[Andina]

I participated in one for quite a while trying to present factual information. Despite my efforts at unemotional discourse they tended to be extremely negative bitch sessions where abandoned (mainly women) can vent about how they have been mistreated and what a distressing situation they have encountered unexpectedly.

While their dismay, anger and grief are well founded very few if any of the members were interested in finding a solution or middle path but just used the forums to commiserate with each other.

While that may have relieved their stress I would not recommend it as a place to get support or understanding of the situation. There are many on this bulletin board who have spouse experience and can give a more balanced picture.

[Sam]

You could send her here... But I somehow doubt you want her to read some of your posts. Altho. If she could be at least somewhat impartial she could draw some interesting conclusions from those.

Dunno, it's your call. I know this forum can be good for SOs... and yes, we could also benefit from them being around. May be worth a shot.

I wouldn't advise any of those SO only forums as they tend to be a bitchfest at best. I've been to some... it can get ugly. You know... supporting SO comes in asking a question and ends up being dragged away into dread and hate by the group mentality.

[Misty]

You could send her here... But I somehow doubt you want her to read some of your posts.

Yeah, that's part of the reason I haven't told her to come on here, but that's not even the main reason. She's still pretty anti-trans everything. If she came on here, she'd just search out my posts for things to make her anger at me feel justified. She'd never post and she wouldn't gain anything positive from the experience. I know her too well to fool myself into thinking it would be different.

Thanks for letting me know about the spouse forums. She already has enough of those feelings without magnifying them with a mob mentality like that.

[HEXYDEZiMAL]

http://soffa.transmentors.org/ is the only one I know of.

Not sure what kind of light it portrays us in.

[Microodyke]

Misty, I think you need to cut your wife some slack. As I understand it, she : 1) works a full-time job, 2) is essentially single parenting twin toddlers, one of whom has special needs, while you are on working an opposite shift, 3) has to put up with her father and his girlfriend living in your house, 4) she's facing foreclosure on your house and has a bankruptcy pending, and 5) now she has to figure out how to respond to your issues and make some major decisions about her marriage. If the woman only has time to read one thing, she DESERVES the space to retreat into fantasy! I'm afraid if I were in her shoes, I'd be curled up in a fetal position ,sobbing.

I participated in the forum Andina mentioned, it seems to have been shut down. Yeah, there was a lot of unmodulated bitching, but you have to remember that often the cis-spouse ends up in a closet every bit as lonely and scary as the one that the trans-spouse emerged from. A safe place to vent can take off some of the pressure.

I think it's encouraging that she's looking for info.
If you want an example of a couple that made it work, google Denise and Fran Brunner. Share the links with her of a positive example. Fran will tell you it wasn't always easy. If you'd like, I'll email Fran and see if she has time for a pen-pal. Your wife can email me too.

Kathy

[Someone Else]

There is a list here...
http://www.tsroadmap.com/info/transgender-forum.html

Bottom of the page...

The site has tons of info if that is what she is lookin for.

[Aorora111]

Misty, I think you need to cut your wife some slack. As I understand it, she : 1) works a full-time job, 2) is essentially single parenting twin toddlers, one of whom has special needs, while you are on working an opposite shift, 3) has to put up with her father and his girlfriend living in your house, 4) she's facing foreclosure on your house and has a bankruptcy pending, and 5) now she has to figure out how to respond to your issues and make some major decisions about her marriage. If the woman only has time to read one thing, she DESERVES the space to retreat into fantasy! I'm afraid if I were in her shoes, I'd be curled up in a fetal position ,sobbing.

Kathy

I'd be inclined to agree here. Give her space, and don't be so self-absorbed. I have to remind my wife on occasion to step out of her zone and look at everyone else too. See what you can do to make things easier for her to adjust, even if it's just taking the kids for a few hours so she can relax. It can work wonders for a mood. And I'm always willing to chat via email if she wants. As the spouse of a MtF, I understand it's tough. I have a kid too, so I understand those challenges, and definitely the financial struggles. And the father/girlfriend thing can't be too easy either - I couldn't handle my parents in my house.

[FTMichael]

See http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Online_Support for lots of places for partners to get support.

[Misty]

Misty, I think you need to cut your wife some slack.

You make really good points.

I do want you to understand that this is my bitch-zone. That's another reason that I don't want her on here. I don't give her shit about any of this stuff and I'm not this self-absorbed around her.

I know that sometimes on here I sound totally selfish. I know that she doesn't have time nor does she want to read a book on this subject. I don't harangue her about any of this. If I talk about it here because she hurt my feelings with the way she rebuffed the idea, it's because I didn't get on her about it and just held in my tears and said, "Alright, I understand honey."

I also want to point out that all of this didn't come out of left field and blind side her. She saw it coming and tried to shame me into stopping. Not saying that she shouldn't be hurting and shouldn't feel betrayed in a sense or that she doesn't deserve to sob on the floor. I just don't want it to sound like this came out of a clear blue sky and that I never gave her any indication. Hell, I came out to her twice.

Anyway, I'll try to stop bitching about stuff here and look for another release valve. Sorry

[Misty]

I'd be inclined to agree here. Give her space, and don't be so self-absorbed. I have to remind my wife on occasion to step out of her zone and look at everyone else too.

Please, try to understand that your wife's and my situations are different. Even though I'm out to my wife now, I don't get to talk about this stuff. Out here in the real world, I have to internalize everything so that my wife can grieve and get mad and make the decisions that affect my life as well as hers and lash out while I just take it and don't say anything negative back. I have no say in anything that happens right now and I can't talk about my issues with anyone but my therapist and even she's centered on my wife right now.

I don't have a wife who's allowing me to talk about this stuff until she's sick of it. One word and that's enough for her. My mom has made it clear that I can't talk to her about it, since every time I try she changes the subject to something else and talks about it until I just want to hang up.

Unlike your wife, I'm forced to look outwards and keep my issues to myself. I'm self-absorbed here and here only. I don't get to be I'm the real world. I have to be empathetic to my wife and not let my kids see me cry and hide from her parents, so they don't find anything out, and see doctors who make me feel like shit and don't help me and while I go through all of that, I share it with nobody except for you guys. But, like I told Microdyke, I'll try to stop.

[thoughtisfragile]

Bull shit. Everyone deserves to vent.

What's going to happen if you don't get this stuff out of your head? I know mine would explode (metaphorically at first, then probability literally). If this is your only place to vent, please vent away. If you piss on anyone's shoes while you're doing it, just smile and hand them a napkin.

[elliebean]

^^^^ What she said.

[Microodyke]

{{{Misty}}} I was by no means implying that you sit down and shut up, or that you not vent here, or anywhere else for that matter. I was just suggesting that when someone is facing something that is so life-changing, they lose sight of the fact that everyone else in their life does not approach the issue with the same degree of intensity. My previous suggestion for couple counselling still stands... an environment - with a time limit- to initiate discussions, and maybe learn some tools how to continue the conversation without trans being the ONLY issue you have to talk about. Same skills may help you with your mother too.

You sound frustrated today, I'm sorry if I contributed to that. Progress must feel awfully slow.....but look back 6 months and compare where you were then, to where you are now!

[Someone Else]

Yea hon... be supportive and understanding of your (X?) wife. She is going to need you. Even if the relationship is shot she will need you. Hardest fuckin thing in the world is finding friends to talk to. I mean REAL friends. Not virtual friends. Not boards. I mean real flesh and blood people that are supportive. Of the 75ish people in my family only one asked me how I was. Just the one. It was my sister's husband. I about fell over. I did not expect that from him at all. I had only one other person ask how I was. His father was a closeted homosexual his whole life and died of aids with no friends and no one to talk to. So yea he understands how shitty people can be. Only 2 people out of like the 200 people in my life. Over the weekend we had a few people over, the supportive ones. There were 7 people.

I dunno... I guess what I am saying is... What about you? How are you? I know you need to be supportive of your wife but honestly. She is dumping you so... well... what concrete steps are you doing for yourself to find the real life support you need around you so you don't end up lonely and depressed?

[Misty]

Progress must feel awfully slow.....but look back 6 months and compare where you were then, to where you are now.

Very little's changed. Changed my hormones up a bit (injections instead of pills), but that's about it. I still can't do any real progress with her parents always here, and she won't let me do anything (practice makeup or voice) while we're living together. I have no money for clothes. My weight loss goals were put on hold because of my torn bicep (there's something that happened in the last 6-months). I was already taking hormones 6-months ago, but was actually optimistic that doctors would get me help to stop self-medicating quickly (still hasn't happened).

So, yeah, I'm frustrated. All that's seemed to have changed is now my boobs are bigger, I'm getting divorced, and people at work think I'm gay.

My dysphoria has been a bit eased with the hormones, but I've actually gained very little ground from 6-months ago. And I'm another year older to boot.

[Misty]

Sorry about the pity-party post. It's been a rough couple of days. I watched Rent and had a really good, full-on-sobbing-type cry and feel tons better now. I spend so much time trying to make sure my wife is alright and looking out for loaded questions from her, that I do tend to forget about my emotional needs and a need for emotional release every now and then.

[Misty]

She is dumping you so... well... what concrete steps are you doing for yourself to find the real life support you need around you so you don't end up lonely and depressed?

Honestly, none. I have no idea how to go about such an endeavor. How do you go about making trans-friends in your area? Especially when your not ready to go out en-femme yet? I might go to some support meetings in LA eventually, but after some of the stories I've heard...I just don't know.

[Someone Else]

I still can't do any real progress with her parents always here, and she won't let me do anything (practice makeup or voice) while we're living together

Well if you are paying your bills there then live as you see fit. I understand trying to work things out but since it isn't going to work then eff what everyone else thinks. You have to do what you have to do at work but home is your refuge. You should be comfortable in your own home no matter what. Otherwise it is not a home, it is just a house you keep your stuff in till you do find a home.

I've heard stories too. Just don't leave the group and go out afterward... until you know who is OK for you and who isn't. The great thing about the groups is that they don't judge you on what you are wearing. I mean... that is the whole point. Sort of a mixed bag of nuts actually but I'm sure you'll find someone or two who you click with. Take a pen and get some numbers, I actually met one girl that has little pink tranny cards she hands out, well they were business cards but they were trans topical. LOL But yea be careful. I steer clear of x-dressers and drag queens. I'm not into a lifestyle. I'm into living through transition and having friends who have either been there or are where I am.

[Misty]

It's not going to work out with my wife, but we still have to live together for the time being and are co-parents. I hope someday she'll be my friend. Besides, I don't really want to deal with crap from her family right now. When I'm ready to come out, it's going to be people I care about first.

It's also not that I worry about how I look so much. It's that I literally have nothing to wear. I have no girl outfits. I have a nightshirt and that's about it. The guy in a dress thing was never me and I don't have money to get anything right now. Maybe when we stop making the house payment. Then I can do some laser hair removal, see an endo, and get some clothes and makeup, but until then, I'm stuck in a holding pattern. Do those groups care if I wear guy clothes? I mean we're not CDs, where dressing up is the whole point of getting together, but still I know that being free to dress is the point for some.

[Aorora111]

Bull shit. Everyone deserves to vent.

What's going to happen if you don't get this stuff out of your head? I know mine would explode (metaphorically at first, then probability literally). If this is your only place to vent, please vent away. If you piss on anyone's shoes while you're doing it, just smile and hand them a napkin.

Agreed. In no way did I mean not to vent here. Was just offering feedback from the spouse perspective. And I know my situation is different, but it's still a lot for BOTH of you to manage.

[Misty]

Agreed. In no way did I mean not to vent here. Was just offering feedback from the spouse perspective. And I know my situation is different, but it's still a lot for BOTH of you to manage.

Believe me, I get enough people telling me that perspective. My therapist, my mom, and my wife give me that perspective. My therapy sessions have been about nothing, but my wife since I came out and all my wife and I ever talk about anymore is how she's feeling and how she feels betrayed and how she doesn't think she can handle being my friend or seeing me when I start transitioning and how much my illness is messing up her dreams and her life. And here I am trying to find forums for her to get support. Trying to get her to go to therapy. Trying to make sure that she's okay.

Exactly...we're BOTH going through a lot. Couldn't have said it better myself.