i was like, "OHHHH, so THIS is what it feels like to be a regular person"
i thought of my self as a father, with all the ladies around me, treating me like an actual human being and not like a usual second-class citizen. i imagined my self as the coolest, most attractive guy in the room that all the ladies wanted, and that i could beat all the other guys in hand-to-hand combat because i was just so damn cool.
i said i can do this. i can do this. i can be cis. i can get people to love me. i can be socially accepted. all i have to do is just be cis.
this lasted for about 3 hours, until i started to disassociate and lose my mind, it was about 3 am and i just could not go to bed. i just kept thinking about beating the shit out of people because id be the ultimate fighter, as good if not better than bruce lee. and i sat up off the couch and started shaking back and forth, my head bobbing back in forth like a mentally ill person who could not sit still. and i started to feel sick to my stomach. i lost interest in my fantasy, i said this is stupid and dumb, what a lame fantasy. i said i want to be a beautiful cartoon character or an anime woman, fuck being a guy. the more testosterone in my veins the more dry i felt, like i just felt dry and stupid and could not even go to sleep.
thats not to say, that as a woman i dont want to beat the shit out of people. but its moreso "how could the do this to me? Why is there no love in this world? What cruel, inhuman monsters! i hate them! i must share my pain with them" but as a guy its just more like "I want to be the coolest guy in the room" or "just because"
