cisness and transness.

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cisness and transness.

Postby Demon » Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:26 am

ok so like one time (yesterday) i for the first actually experienced what its like to be cis. I looked in the mirror, with my devilishly handsome mustache and actually thought of my body without feeling anxiety and disgust. this is the first time i never felt shame at the idea of me being a guy.

i was like, "OHHHH, so THIS is what it feels like to be a regular person" 8)

i thought of my self as a father, with all the ladies around me, treating me like an actual human being and not like a usual second-class citizen. i imagined my self as the coolest, most attractive guy in the room that all the ladies wanted, and that i could beat all the other guys in hand-to-hand combat because i was just so damn cool.

i said i can do this. i can do this. i can be cis. i can get people to love me. i can be socially accepted. all i have to do is just be cis.

this lasted for about 3 hours, until i started to disassociate and lose my mind, it was about 3 am and i just could not go to bed. i just kept thinking about beating the shit out of people because id be the ultimate fighter, as good if not better than bruce lee. and i sat up off the couch and started shaking back and forth, my head bobbing back in forth like a mentally ill person who could not sit still. and i started to feel sick to my stomach. i lost interest in my fantasy, i said this is stupid and dumb, what a lame fantasy. i said i want to be a beautiful cartoon character or an anime woman, fuck being a guy. the more testosterone in my veins the more dry i felt, like i just felt dry and stupid and could not even go to sleep.

thats not to say, that as a woman i dont want to beat the shit out of people. but its moreso "how could the do this to me? Why is there no love in this world? What cruel, inhuman monsters! i hate them! i must share my pain with them" but as a guy its just more like "I want to be the coolest guy in the room" or "just because"
my life is mostly pain
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:03 am

Perhaps you should try competitive fighting. At least you get to beat the shit out of people, and no one complains because it's the whole point of the competition. And as a bonus, you get pounded on too. Which would be ok, as you hate yourself as well.
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby Demon » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:46 am

Lesley Niyori wrote:Perhaps you should try competitive fighting. At least you get to beat the shit out of people, and no one complains because it's the whole point of the competition. And as a bonus, you get pounded on too. Which would be ok, as you hate yourself as well.


Seems like a scam for them to take all my hard earned money. Also, I don't know if they would be cool with me being trans. There are a couple martial arts places that are cool with trans people, but everyone there is a bunch of wimps who suck at fighting, and so naturally they dont do sparring.
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:14 pm

Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:Perhaps you should try competitive fighting. At least you get to beat the shit out of people, and no one complains because it's the whole point of the competition. And as a bonus, you get pounded on too. Which would be ok, as you hate yourself as well.


Seems like a scam for them to take all my hard earned money. Also, I don't know if they would be cool with me being trans. There are a couple martial arts places that are cool with trans people, but everyone there is a bunch of wimps who suck at fighting, and so naturally they dont do sparring.


Sounds like you are just making excuses.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sun Jan 14, 2018 11:52 pm

Image
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby Demon » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:54 am

CeliaEriksson wrote:Image

Not sure what that has to do with anything, but ok.
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:17 pm

Hi Demon!

I was warning Lesley of you, legend..... but it seems you are becoming tamer, a pussycat at heart. xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: cisness and transness.

Postby Demon » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:09 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:Hi Demon!

I was warning Lesley of you, legend..... but it seems you are becoming tamer, a pussycat at heart. xx


I'm not naturally a savage, my savageness is simply directly correlated to the coldness of this world, like the stock market.
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