The Transgender Boards

How old were you when you first felt your body was not the correct sex? and what are your earliest memories?

For me, I was 4 years old, I cant remember what led up to it, but I do remember flipping out at my mum because I didnt want to be a boy, and at the time i was wearing my sisters dress. I used to have dreams as a kid of being abducted by friendly aliens who would change me into a girl with their amazing equipment, and then beam me back to earth, and then I was happy. As far back as I can remember, I have never been comfortable being male, and puberty was the worst thng that ever happened to me.

My earliest memories are from the age of three. The fact that there was a difference between boys and girls was introduced to me after my sister told me that she would not put pigtails in my hair because, "Boys can't have pigtails."

Ironically, the additional few things said to my sister and her subsequent harsh replies, probably ended up saving my life.

8

I can even remember the exact place I was standing and but for the fact that that house is now owned by someone else, I could take you right to it. I also remember precisely what I was wearing. I didn't know precisely what was wrong, but I knew there was something general wrong with my body, that it was not the way it was supposed to be, and that the wrongness was specificly centered on the clump of tissues protruding from my crotch. Again, I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew that they were to blame. I'm sure I had similar thoughts before the age of 8, but 8 is the episode that finally stuck in my memory most solidly and vividly.

I would get galding around my crotch from time to time (I was a pudgy kid) and I specificly remember this one event of thinking that if they were wrong, maybe the galding is them "molting", though I didn't know that word at the time. I just thought that maybe they would fall off and I'd have a perfectly smooth, flat groin underneath and then the wrongness would be gone. I would pray some nights before I go to sleep that when I woke up, they would be gone.

I'm not convinced I specificly wanted to be a girl back then, I just didn't want to be a boy. I certainly didn't possess the word transsexual in my vocabulary back then, but when I was exposed to that word and had it explained to me, something clicked and I realized that that was what was wrong with me.

By that time I'd already had it drilled into me by the public school pecking order that I was on the bottom rung of that social ladder, and I knew that coming out as trans could only make my living hell worse. My mother made her disgust for transsexuals clear routinely when the subject would come up.

I finally sought out counselling at the age of 32 after an anxiety and depression fed nervous breakdown culminated in an identity crisis that lead to a final, resolution that I couldn't go on living the way I was. I had to either transition or suicide. Give ya a penny if you can guess which way that decision went.

Age 6, although probably somewhat before.

My 17 month (5 year old) younger (but soon to be oldest) sister had gotten some petticoats!!! At the time, I was being kept home for an extended period due to medical issues I never fully understood. She was in kindergarten and out of the house part of the day soooooo ---- Since we shared a room at that point and the door was closed since I was to take a nap, ______________________________________. (Fill in the blank!)

The same sister was well known to be able to attack me, and I was not allowed to defend myself since "I was a boy and she was a girl".

At 12 years old I took square dance lessons as a form of PE. I was so envious of the girls outfits that I actually answered to some of the girls dance calls without thinking!!! Big OOPS!!!

My only claim to masculine fame during puberty was the height to which I could urinate on a wall. Shortly before my first "wet dream" which honestly HURT, I had a discharge from both of my nipples for several days. I was hoping it would lead to breast development, but in a few days it stopped and the other end developed. &%#@ it! Medical issues in the form of allergies kept me out of boys gym on a regular basis until almost my senior year of high school. Name a ball boys can throw well, and its on my "total ineptitude" list.

My earliest supply of girl clothes was acquired at 14. First wig was bought from a comic book mail order house.

Like the rest of you who have posted here so far, I have had few if any moments when I felt good about my maleness. Even when having sex with my ex-wife, she was the agressor and "top" about 80% of the time. It seemed strange at first that I ended up as the single parent when she filed for divorce from me. My 3 children who do know about my TG side were and are very dear to me, but I remember the moments when I was having to be the "female" parent much more clearly than when I was DAD in the negative sense. My nurturing attitude toward them has been noted by more than one relative. (Not always nicely though!)

I have never felt that I was a girl, but rather I simply wanted to be one.
I first wore girl's clothes at 5, then again at 9 through 20.
I first wanted to be a girl when I was about 10 or so, and thought, at age 11, that I was becoming one as I noticed (but didn't understand) the changes of puberty.

Melody

Alli wrote:My earliest memories are from the age of three. The fact that there was a difference between boys and girls was introduced to me after my sister told me that she would not put pigtails in my hair because, "Boys can't have pigtails."

Ironically, the additional few things said to my sister and her subsequent harsh replies, probably ended up saving my life.

Hi Alli:

Can you shed some light on this last line?
How did what she said end up saving your life?
How has she been about your change?

Hi Cathy:

I think we all pick up on the negative vibes from an early age
on anything that is considered gender variant and how taboo that
is by society. It's often verbally reinforced but also sometimes
physical in terms of violence from other children or ostracization.
Someone cited a recent example where there wife said their
child is not to have anything to do with the boy who dressed
as a girl.

As far as your parents showing their distaste/hatred for
anything trans goes, most of that is based on stereotypes,
but I can see how such negativity would hurt you especially
when you are trans.

All I know is that I was having thoughts before the age of 11. I distinctly remember deliberately trying to make people think I was a boy. I remember thinking, around the age of 10, that I 'should have been born a boy' and that I'd 'make a better boy than a girl'. I thought to myself that if I didn't end up getting my period, then that would be 'proof' that I was a boy.
I used to hate it when my mum tried to put me in 'girly' clothes (very rare that she did that, thank god). I was disgusted when she said she'd love it if I took up ballet, because that was 'so girly'.
I did, however, love my barbie dolls and people with long, straight hair. But then again I was also an avid fan of Barbara Striesand - oh dear, a bit of a sterotypical gay boy, huh? XD!

I was VERY lucky, in that my family is a very liberal, open minded bunch of crazy people, and I was raised to be androgynous, with a leaning towards male, despite my obvious female body.

All my problems began when I hit puberty, and desperately wanted male attention - and of course the only way to get male attention as a 15 year old is to dress and act like a Pussycat Doll. But it always felt like crossdressing to me. Putting on a costume, playing a part, posing and postering. I still do it, when I'm feeling outrageous XD!

Well lets see when did I first realise I was different, it would have been before I was 2 when I realised I had both male and female parts. I can even remember my sister and myself taking a bath together and noticing that I had the same parts as her but also parts which did not belong where they were. Almost endless trips to the doctors and hospitals so that the doctors could "check on me". So many needles and other things being put into me, endless numbers of machines I was being put through or hooked up to. Trips to therapist offices even before I knew that they were therapist, just adults who wanted to talk to me and ask me things.
It got to a point that I could not go into a hospital not volitarily, I would just get violently sick and could not do it. When I was 6 I went into my parents bedroom one night with a pair of those round nose sissors and asked my father to cut off my male parts, I knew they did not belong there.

Ummm... since I'm aware of the world around me. No idea when that happened tho. And I still don't get it why there's girl clothes and boy clothes. I never understood why a boy wearing a skirt is called a weirdo/transvestite/pervert... but it's perfectly normal for a girl to wear trousers.

I mean... I know why, I just can't wrap my head around it. Same with shoes, altho there's anatomical reasons for having female/male models. Does not compute. Divide by 0... about sums my understanding of these things. I think I'm just plain weird. Throughout elementary school and high school I was always being picked on "you run like a girl" at PE... thus I avoided PE. Funilly enough I pwned them when it counted

"you run like a girl, you walk like a girl, you write like a girl, you hold hands like a girl, you shake hands like a girl" were the standard "insults"... so what the f**k am I doing in a boys body?!?

*deep breaths, count to 10...* I'll have to fix that.

Love,
Sam

aliciadarling wrote:Can you shed some light on this last line?
How did what she said end up saving your life?
How has she been about your change?

A short time after the "Pigtail Incident", my sister, myself, and our cousin were at our Aunt's while most of the adults were out snowmobiling.

Anywho, my sister and cousin were playing dress up and playing with kid versions of makeup. So I began to pester them about dressing me up. My sister protested, but relented after my cousin thought it would be fun.

So they went to work, dressed me up in an old hand-me-down dress, crazy jewelry, make-up and paraded me out to our Aunt who was in the kitchen washing the dishes.

I can recall her pleasantly laughing, giving me a big hug and kiss and then me, my sister, and our cousin heading back into our counsin's room.

I can recall being really excited and as they were pulling off the old dress and washing the makeup off, I asked my Sister if we could tell mom now.

My sister replied, "If you tell mom, she won't love you anymore, and she'll kick you out of the house.

Being 3, I of course started to cry and was very upset, but I knew now that what I felt was "a very bad thing" and not to be shared with anyone.

While my sister's comment was extreme, and there is no doubt that our mom would have still loved me, nor kicked me out, it was 1978.

Had I been vocal instead of beginning my long silence, I can imagine had I persisted and pestered my mom as much as I had confided in my sister, eventually it is my estimation that, our mom would have brought this to the attention of our step-father and most likely would have taken me to a doctor.

And it is my estimation that it could have become very ugly, very quickly. Electroshock therapy and other bizarre "behavior modification techniques" were still very much in practice in 1978.

My mom was a great woman, but she was not one to question doctor's opinions. Additionally, our step-father, was already vocal in his opposition to my "sissy" behavior and constant playing with dolls .

So it is my estimation that while my sister was just being bratty in her mind to her little brother, her comment which shoved me into the closet, was what needed to happen at that time in the Winter of 1978.

Hi Alli:

I think even if we can't point to a single incident such as you had
which was as a defining moment in our decision
to keep our feelings to ourselves, I think many of us experienced
some warning signs.

I talked to one trans woman who was beaten and sent off
to a kind of boot camp as a child since she dared to be different
from her parents expectations.

Even if it wasn't our parents who enforced the guidelines
on gender behavior our peer groups were more than happy to
point out what was acceptable and what was not.

Maybe it was a good thing that we resorted to self preservation
behavior until we could do what we needed to do,
even if we had to live within ourselves for a while.
It sounds as if your sister was looking out for you.

i was 25.

of course, i'm 341 now, so i figure i was still relatively young.

The furthest back I can remember anything specific was age 6 in Kindergarten. In the first week of school three girls (who were neighbors of mine) asked me to play "house" with them in the play area of the classroom. When they cast me as a "sister" in our pretend family the teacher yelled at them, explaining that they weren't to do that. The message they got was that if they asked me to play with them they'd get yelled at by the teacher. They never asked me again, which sucked because they were the only three kids I knew. I vividly recall sitting by myself in the back of the "boys' side" of the playroom literally building a wall around me with wooden blocks - until one of he rowdier boys kicked it over and taunted me.

Later that same year this one girl had become convinced I was really a girl and went around telling everyone that. She got spanked by the teacher (back when they could do that) in front of the whole class for "telling fibs." That girl blamed me for her getting spanked because she was still certain she was right, and she took every opportunity to point out "proof" I was really a girl OR get me in trouble in class - until thankfully her family moved away after First Grade.

It was also around that time I first remember having put on some of my big sister's old clothes I'd found in a box and looking at myself in a mirror and thinking how much easier my life at school would be if I WAS a girl - but I was afraid I'd get in trouble so I didn't let on to anyone about how I felt. School was, for the most part, years of teasing, bullying, and fear someone would find out the truth about me.

No clue.

seriously. I blocked my youth out and remembering what littel is left is way too hard these days.

I believe the best is up on Pam's House Blend.

(reminds me -- I should collate those into my blog)

I was 21 I think (it was a long time ago) i was reading a story where guys was kidnapped and had there genitals removed to make way for a vagina, after they recovered or if they recovered they where pimped out to make money.

I don't remember much from the story but what i do remember was my reaction to it I was expection an error message like 'why would you do that to someone' no, instead i get 'lets do it, lets find these guy and make'em do that to me'

This sent me into deep denial of which it took me 10 years to got out of.

I'm not sure when I first felt it was wrong maybe it always felt wrong so I don't know anything different, but I know when I started to think about why I felt how I did.

I was a huge dinosaur freak as a kid, as well as being into biology and the development of life. I read everything.

When I saw Jurassic Park for the first time at seven years old or so.. I remember the hatchery scene and Ian Malcom said:
"...how do you know they're all female? Does someone go into the park and, uh... lift up the dinosaurs' skirts?"
To which the scientist replied "No, we control their chromosomes. It's really not that difficult. It just takes an extra chromosome at the right developmental stage to make them male. We simply deny them that."

I thought to myself "Ah! Maybe I had an extra slip in by accident or something so I couldn't be a girl. Could have been all that salsa mom drank when she was pregnant with me."

I had also imagined or dreamed that a Blue-Fairy-of-People-Who-Wish-to-Be-Real-Boys-and-Girls might visit and grant my wish to not have to be a boy.

There are plenty of other instances where my feelings were reinforced, but the one above stands out as when it 'clicked.'

Another instance I recall vividly was when I was vocal about my distress at having my voice change at puberty, my father joked to my mother about "[making] one of our boys a castrado".
I asked what it was, and when he said that they cut off the testicles in order to preserve their high range, I nearly jumped with my hand in the air to volunteer the loss of even more from my nether regions, but my mom quickly chastised him for making a comment like that. Shucks.

Hi:

When I was coming to terms with my GID after years of
denial, one of the the things I did was go over my
childhood memories and feelings in great detail.

I was trying to find what I had lost of myself from that
period before I went into my denial years. I was trying to
rediscover the me I liked and felt good about.

aliciadarling wrote:Hi:

When I was coming to terms with my GID after years of
denial, one of the the things I did was go over my
childhood memories and feelings in great detail.

I was trying to find what I had lost of myself from that
period before I went into my denial years. I was trying to
rediscover the me I liked and felt good about.

I have to second this as something I am still going through, trying to recover who I was before... when I was actually happy.

I think I was about 60 when I diagnosed my GID. Having done that and gone back over life's memories I can see that it was there all my life. My earliest memories are getting to wear my fairy dress on Sundays if I had been a good boy all week.

I asked my therapist if that could have been a contributing factor but she pointed out that my mother had recognized it as something I wanted and was using it as incentive for good behavior. It would not have been an incentive if it were not something that I wanted.

Now when I review all the incidents through my life I can't understand how I was not more aware. I thought all guys were like this but I just lacked self control.

Hi Andina:

Do you have any photos of you in your fairy dress?

What really started me on the the path to overcoming my
denial was seeing a photo of myself as a child and reconnecting
with who I was and how I felt back then.

I think I ALWAYS knew though I am actually intersex, and have internal female organs. Trouble was my dad wanted a BOY. noe arguements, no compromise, and mum could only have one, HE ignored medical advice that I should be bought up as a girl and forced my mother to go along. He was also abusive physically and emotionally (to "make a man out of me') I even went so far as to Join the Airforce and serve in Nam. Trnsitioned in late 30's told Dad (mum died in 86) he still had'nt got his head around it when he died in 94, had my op early 95 then went and qualfied as apsych nurse, but, yeah, I knew from an early age

I am a bit of an artist, charging $2500.00 per portrait. My drawings were quite good, as a child for the age I was.

I recall in 7th grade art class having to draw a series of self portraits. I remember several people, including the instructor telling me that I should change a few facial features because my portraits look too feminine. I remember being a little embarrassed and angry about the comments, because it made me feel different. Yet, it was what I saw when looking in the mirror. Secretly, I liked that others could see the girl in my pictures. I never really thought about it again until this year.

Hi Melody:

You are way too expensive!

If you draw yourself now, how do you see yourself?

Once when I was about 10-11 I went out for halloween as a girl.
A man asked me if I was a real girl and I insisted I was.

aliciadarling wrote:Hi Melody:

You are way too expensive!

If you draw yourself now, how do you see yourself?

Once when I was about 10-11 I went out for halloween as a girl.
A man asked me if I was a real girl and I insisted I was.

I rarely have time for art these days.
I think I am much more structured these days, and draw with a draughtsman's eye,...if that makes sense. As a boy, I tried to be accurate, but lacked the skills. I should also consider that as a boy, my features were likely softer, lips fuller, etc....my hair was very long too,...which all aided in the feminine allusion. My hair was so long and soft then, kids teased me that I looked like Farrah (back when she had her own shampoo),....oh, how I loved that! It was hard to mount a realistic offensive attitude.

I knew at age six. I asked my mom why girls were allowed to sew and help around the house because I wanted to be one too. She got worried, quickly. I was in counseling on and off ever since then.

Puberty was a very trying time, to say the least.

At age 15 I went to the high school's Halloween dance as a test more than anything. I had a girlfriend do my makeup and hair (which was long back then -- mid 80's lol...), and I was probably the happiest I'd ever been before or since. That whole night was like magic. My mother, of course, was extremely upset that I'd done such a thing. At least her clothes fit me like a glove!

I have memories for as long as I can remember, more or less ever since I was born, and I also retain them all in perfect detail because of my emotional empathic photographic memory. It mainly came out when there were boys and girls around with me, like in kindergarten, and I saw boys getting treated one way and girls another, and I was "treated wrong". When it came very clear that I was in the wrong sex was when I was 3 and my sister was born. This made it stand out that it wasn't just how other people treated their children, but also how my own parents treated me in comparison with my sister, and this caused a great deal of hatred from me towards my sister. When I took the matter into my own hands and tried to force myself to be what my parents expected me to be was at the age of 7 when I made a completely new personality for myself, but my parents always knew I was unhappy. Even through the "conditioning" I still had the need to dress in my mothers or sisters clothes when I was alone in the house, or dream that I was my sister on the stage dancing ballet, and as for me getting lost in the church life trying to gain "brownie points" for my prayers to wake up a complete girl... My grandparents knew for sure from when I was 10 as to what was wrong with me, as they could see the "telltale signs" as my cousin calls them, and they were very loving to me all the time, giving me the space I needed to decide for myself, as well as always treating me neutral and countless other things in conjunction with it.

I think my earliest memories were probably around 4 or 5 when I wanted my mom to paint my nails and I wouldn't relent till she painted at least one

The strongest memories I had when I really started to realize something was up though was around 7ish when I would pray every night to wake up a girl. I also had the space alien abduction dream at times as well.

I think it was around about 3-5 when I was jelous of my sister wearing a dress, and wanted to wear one too.

There was other times through my school life when I thought my life would be so much easier if I was a girl.

And it comes to the last year of high school when all the students get dressed up on their last day. Guess what I went as.
Best day of my life so far.

Moi? I noticed it when I was 15 but someone actually could counterclaim this. You know why? Because it's my grandma that says it differently. Okay, supposedly when I was only 2-3 years old, TRYING to get potty trained... I wanted to pee standing up and I always asked "why can't I stand and pee?" I wanted a penis so bad after that apparently. I guess when I was growing up, I unconsciously went into male phases. No wonder why I LOVE boy clothes and cannot stand tight pants and short skirts.

Like I said, when I was 15, I tried to out myself as a boy but my mom is always like "Oh you not a boy..." Nowadays, she asks me if I'm still thinking I'm a boy. I feel like turning around and say, "No, i don't think... I know I'm a boy." haha. That'll make her think about it and maybe I can pester her for therapy. This post of mine makes me laugh.

Sincerely yo boi,

Hayden Jeffery*

HaydenJeffery wrote:Moi? I noticed it when I was 15 but someone actually could counterclaim this. You know why? Because it's my grandma that says it differently. Okay, supposedly when I was only 2-3 years old, TRYING to get potty trained... I wanted to pee standing up and I always asked "why can't I stand and pee?" I wanted a penis so bad after that apparently. I guess when I was growing up, I unconsciously went into male phases. No wonder why I LOVE boy clothes and cannot stand tight pants and short skirts.

Like I said, when I was 15, I tried to out myself as a boy but my mom is always like "Oh you not a boy..." Nowadays, she asks me if I'm still thinking I'm a boy. I feel like turning around and say, "No, i don't think... I know I'm a boy." haha. That'll make her think about it and maybe I can pester her for therapy. This post of mine makes me laugh.

Sincerely yo boi,

Hayden Jeffery*

!

Ummm always, but it wasn't the text book I knew I wasn't a boy so much as I knew I would grow up to be a... well I covered this a million times.

i can remember when i felt that there was something wrong with me. i was about 9 or 10 years old, i used to go thru my moms and aunts clothing trying on certain thins and feeling more comfortable in their things..then getting aroung 11 or 12 i was shaving my legs and messing around with nail polish...it got to where i had this secret but then family started seeing me around the house with shaved legs and nail polish on my toes,,there on i felt like i was a girl,or not who i was supposed to be..

later on in my teens i was dressing up in private and more and more each day..around 18 to 25 i was in and out of relationships due to my closet desires,, they stared fnding out and breaking up with me becaues they thought i was sick or wierd..but that wasnt it i was trapped and alone with no way to expres myself..then around when i was 28 i bought hormones from a friend and stared using them to become what i wasnt.i used them for about 3 months and stoped due to family and friends,,, my nipples poked out like rocks and it was hard to hide them and family noticed but never said anything to me, but i knew they knew.
so i stopped..but that wasnt the only reason the friend of mine who i was getting them from she was HIV positive and she died that year,,it was hard for me because at the time she was the only one i ever knew who was transgendered, ts..

now im 32 and fixing to start back on them and im so happy because my mothers and brothers and sisters are so understanding and so with me..
and now im out of the closet for good and on my journey to happiness and peace withmyself after so many years of confusion and being scared...this is what i am and was supposed to be ...a WOMAN..

My earliest memory is of a train trip I took with my mother when I was just 17 months old. I only know my age because I once described the trip to my mother she told me how old I was. She did not believe me until I described in detail the inside of the car and how I was fascinated at watching people coming to to the back to get drinks of water from the cooler there.

Everything was fine until I was potty trained. These memories were repressed until earlier this year when something I saw on TV caused them to come flooding back to my consciousness. I could not stand and urinate becuase it just felt wrong. I would stand there and have to go so bad but I could not.

This took place in the the 1950s and so the next part was not at all an uncommon I believe.

My mother decided to have my father discipline me. Trying to not make this to long I will say this. I was beaten with harness leather until I bleed and at one point I was thrown headfirst down a a flight of stairs. My teeth were pushed through my face under my lower lip and my chin was busted open. I still have the scars but I do not mind them. They are for me like a red badge of courage and I wear them proudly.

Anyway I knew back then that there was major mistake when I was made. I was a girl in the body of a boy. Unfortunately for me there was no escape from this waking nightmare.

After 50 some years of practice I never did master the practice of standing up to urinate. One of the first things I did when I realized all this was to start sitting on the toilet to urinate. Just that one little change I made has been so good and is so profound that I really do not know how to convey it.

All my love to you my brothers and sisters.

*hugs*

Ziggy

I'm not sure how old I was , but it was before my younger brother was born. He is 4-1/2 years younger than me. I do not remember the details of what was going on that day to make my parents feel they needed to tell me that I am a boy. But do remember how insistant they were about it, and I remember how bad it hurt, and how far deep down inside the pain went. That was the most painful heart ache I have ever felt. It was 40-some years ago and I can still feel that pain now every time I think about that day.

I remember feeling like I needed to be/ should have been/ wanted to be a girl instead of a boy at the time a certain event occurred. I remember the event, not the age. My mother tells me I was 2 years old when the event occurred. I am not sure if I ever felt that way before then, but I know that I have consistently felt that way since.

Liply I am only going to cover this once in a polite manner the next time I will verbally abuse you. Necro posting into old threads is really stupid especially when the post doesn't even fit into the topic. Make a new thread and talk about your phone. I am sure you can find a way to make a new thread rather than digging up threads for year ago.

EDIT BY ANDINA: All posts by Liply have been deleted.

ellie wrote:How old were you when you first felt your body was not the correct sex? and what are your earliest memories?

For me, I was 4 years old, I cant remember what led up to it, but I do remember flipping out at my mum because I didnt want to be a boy, and at the time i was wearing my sisters dress. I used to have dreams as a kid of being abducted by friendly aliens who would change me into a girl with their amazing equipment, and then beam me back to earth, and then I was happy. As far back as I can remember, I have never been comfortable being male, and puberty was the worst thng that ever happened to me.

Around 3 years old I thought I was a girl. My mom and I had an argument about it a few times... Around 5 I realized my body wasn't a girls body (first time seeing the other parts).. All my life I knew my body wasn't what it should be. However because of other people I kept pushing it down and hiding it. 3 years ago it hit me so hard that if I didn't say something and start doing something about it I would have killed myself. Had a knife to my chest and broke skin but I didn't go past that. That was the first time I ever did something like that and right after I looked deep down to come to the conclusion I was tired of hurting on the inside.

My first recollections were as a four year old. Although I was probably to young to really know the difference between boys and girls I still felt I should have been a girl. The rest is the usual we all go through, hiding, supression, depression etc, then after a 23 year marriage and two children and on the verge of suicide I decided to change my life and transitioned. If I had known years ago how much mentally at peace I was going to be by transitioning I would have done it years ago. In saying that I don't regret the life experiences I have had, and the two wonderful children I have. My life has made me a better and much more compassionate person. These days I cherish all the new experiences I have as a woman living in society and don't regret for a minute the decision to transition.

Could have sworn I answered this post already. 2nd grade @ first communion is the most vivid memory.

I think I was 11 years old when I realised that this body is not mine !
I said to myself I am a man trapped in woman's body , from then and on I never bothered again with that
since recently when I read another persons journal saying that he had the same problem as me !!

I was 11 or 12, I think. Somewhere around there. I can't pinpoint an exact moment when I realized that I wasn't a girl and didn't want the body I was stuck with, but I know it was around the time that I found out what female puberty involved. It absolutely freaked me out, and I knew I didn't want those things to happen to my body. When I did get my period (and I was wishing and wishing that I never would), I was so depressed that I didn't even go to school the following day.

That said, there were signs beforehand, such as the fact that I almost always pretended to be male characters in make-believe games from about age seven or eight.

And that said, I didn't actually know what transgender was and that I could actually have the option to change my body and my presentation until I was 20.

(I'm 25 now. I had top surgery at age 24, and hope to start hormones before my 26th birthday.)

My childhood was painful to say the least, but i noticed i was different around 4 or 5. Did not understand why or how until my father remarried and i had a female role model in my life. Until then it was my father, me and 2 sisters. Once i had a mother the pieces started fitting together. Around the age 15, i tried suicide, 3 times....i failed, and since no family/friends cared that i had cuts on my arms, i took matters into my own hands. Dropped out of high school, got a job, paid for therapy, and here i am. I am still far from feminine looking, but i did not come this far to be stopped by minor set backs!

History has proven, god has never given anyone a dream without also the power to achieve that dream. It is up to us to claim the power and go after that dream, or just claim, it was only a dream.

I think it was 4th grade (so...10 years old). Understanding the anatomy of a woman, and how sex worked, I clasped my member in my had and let my hand play the part of a woman while fantasing about a playboy magazine I had seen.

Mind you, I didn't know what an orgasm was, or even masturbation. Imagine my surprize when all of a sudden things felt different (better), and a thick, cream colored fluid started getting all over the place.

I didn't find out until about 2 years later that what I was doing had a name (masturbation) or that feeling had a name (orgasm). I thought it was something I had invented, and was only unique to me. The naive innocence of a boy learning to become a man.

Matt John wrote:I think it was 4th grade (so...10 years old). Understanding the anatomy of a woman, and how sex worked, I clasped my member in my had and let my hand play the part of a woman while fantasing about a playboy magazine I had seen. [snip] The naive innocence of a boy learning to become a man.

How does this relate to the topic?

elliebean wrote:

Matt John wrote:I think it was 4th grade (so...10 years old). Understanding the anatomy of a woman, and how sex worked, I clasped my member in my had and let my hand play the part of a woman while fantasing about a playboy magazine I had seen. [snip] The naive innocence of a boy learning to become a man.

How does this relate to the topic?

That's what I was wondering.

It was kind of always there. I remember my mom doing laundry and kind of burying myself in the clothes and slipping on a pair of my sisters panties while covered. I also remember my sister and my female cousin chasing my brother, my male cousin, and me and dressing us all up as girls. I took the cue from my brother and cousin to act like I was hating it, but it really felt right to me. I thought that it did for them too and we were all just acting, but I didn't know why we were pretending that it didn't feel so natural.

There were a bunch of little things too. I thought it was so unfair that boys couldn't wear skirts. Saw a girl in a really pretty dress at a party and wishing I could wear that. Seeing girls and thinking that I wished I could be them.

There's no one moment that stands out as THE moment, per se. It's just always been there. For awhile in my teenage years I tried to fool myself into thinking I was just a transvestite, but dressing just served to help me fantasize about what I really wanted, which was to be a girl.

This is the part that makes me wonder what I am.

Unlike you all, I've never had this instinctual feeling from a young age. I can't remember it, anyways. I *do* remember wanting to be Tinkerbell...I still want to be Tinkerbell, actually...I remember holding my books consciously aware of the way a girl would, adopting their mannerisms, but never actually thinking of myself as female. I still don't! Sort of. I don't even know. I'm a person, but if you ask for a gender I'm just completely lost and will just kind of mumble 'boy' (as you can tell - even just talking about it I lose cohesion).

I want to be beautiful, all I've ever wanted was to be beautiful. I hate this body, I want a woman's body, but I like my penis! I actually don't want to lose that, I have no problem with that, it's just...everything else. My big hands and chubby stomach and facial hair and six foot f'k'n five height I hate.


Tangential? Perhaps. But it answers the question, to a degree.

Sigh.

Althea Raine wrote:Unlike you all, I've never had this instinctual feeling from a young age.

The classic narrative governs less than you may have been led to believe.

I believe I understand, but do you care to clarify?

Even though I only put it into words earlier this year, I think I've had the notion all my life. My happiest memory of elementary school is of all my friends yelling at my mom that she should stop treating me like a girl, 'cause I'm not one. It was kind of like being validated, somehow.