How old were you...

[elliebean]

Unlike you all, I've never had this instinctual feeling from a young age. I can't remember it, anyways.

Well I'll put in another vote for that. I didn't 'feel like I was a girl' at a young age, or at any age. I don't think even now I could even articulate what it would mean to 'feel like' a gender. I know this: trying to be male has never fit. Like Misty, I had plenty of boys around me to emulate and learned to disdain all things girly, only I was almost never around girls, so I never really got around to envying them or being actively curious about what they were up to, or even having access to that 'other world' they seemed to live in. I didn't start idealizing their existence until much later, but I've had time to get over that. Now it's all just natural to me, what little of it I can experience at this point.

As far as genitals, I don't hate mine and I'm certainly not disgusted by it (maybe a little disgusted by balls, but that's different, I think); it just never felt..... right. It's like having a tail or horns, it's just weird and foreign to me, yet undeniably fun and pleasurable at times. Even in those times, it's more of a plaything to me than part of me. Ultimately, I feel like it's in the way - almost as if my vagina is hidden behind it where I can't get to it. As time goes on, that's becoming more and more frustrating.

Hopefully I'll soon be able to do something more about it.

[Althea Raine]

Ellie I haven't said this but everytime I see your picture I want to hug you I don't know why I just do (blush)

I've never really had women in my life. My mother left me and my father when I was in diapers, I was raised by a single father all my life. Never had friends, really, male or female, always kept to myself...

Though I do want a tail, too...

[elliebean]

Ellie I haven't said this but everytime I see your picture I want to hug you I don't know why I just do (blush)

It's these naturally long lashes *bats eyes* hehe. Feel free; I can always use more hugs.

A tail might be fun sometimes, but then tucking would be a nightmare.

[matthew.alex]

Even though I only put it into words earlier this year, I think I've had the notion all my life. My happiest memory of elementary school is of all my friends yelling at my mom that she should stop treating me like a girl, 'cause I'm not one. It was kind of like being validated, somehow.

Same for me. I've always felt not right as a girl, but I was always just me, myself, and I never thought the awkward feelings came from something like that being wrong. I always just felt so awkward though. Looking back now though, I always wanted to be male. All of my role models were male. Every favorite character I ever had was male. I always had this idea that I would grow up to be a man regardless of the fact that I was born female. I automatically sat with my legs wide, with an open posture, and have always walked like a man and carried my books like all the guys did, not the girls. Whenever I attempted to act like a 'girl,' I felt incredibly, intensely uncomfortable. Prom was a living nightmare, but I played the part for my mother's sake. I've just recently put a name to how I feel, but I think I've always been this way. In any case, I've now started dressing and presenting as male, and it has worked wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. Awkwardness begone

[Althea Raine]

Ellie I haven't said this but everytime I see your picture I want to hug you I don't know why I just do (blush)

It's these naturally long lashes *bats eyes* hehe. Feel free; I can always use more hugs.

A tail might be fun sometimes, but then tucking would be a nightmare.

guardian.co.uk/society/2002/mar/11/health.lifeandhealth#article_continue

^^;

[AttitudePlus1]

Somewhere between day one and the present dont quite remember, not part of my life I dwell on alot. Life started for me after I learned what was wrong and how to go forward.

[amilysan]

like 5 or 6, then i repres myself for fear and rediscover it at my 18, that means right now,

[Carletta]

The best that I can put together is this, I was boy - who was a girl - who was a tomboy! The pieces didn't start coming together until I was 13 and my sexuality kicked in, At first I thought that I was simply bi-sexual, then I felt this need to dress differenty, That winter I wore panties and stockings under my jeans and one of my sisters old training bras under my sweatshirts, it just felt so right (all of which went into my bookbag before gym class), also started really enjoyed showering with the other boys in gym.

My best male friend in school had 4 sisters in their teens and would get me girl clothes and make-up, we would travel by bus to faraway malls so I could walk around as a full girl in public, he was great friend (later became my first lover).

My father and both of my older brothers are large powerful men, I was always very petite little girl, only 5'1" when I graduated high school (thankfully I grew another 3 inches in my early 20's).

[TS_Trisha]

13 for me.

[Jubilation]

12 or 13, it was 7th grade in chorus class. That is my oldest memory as such, but i was always facinated by girls (and girl parts) and wanted to be less differant than them.

It was my freshman year i think, when the idea resurfaced bringing with it the name i eventualy wish to take. But real certainty didn't come untill someone very special to me told me she thought i would have made a better woman than man, it realy twisted me up inside but i was kind of thrilled too. It wasn't untill later that i found out more about the TG community (that i wasn't realy so unussual for such desires) and SRS practice.

Now I just wish i had listened earlier, since I'm 32 it'll be alot rougher than it would have been when she first told me she thought I should have been a girl (10ish years ago).

[Alex_Nichole]

It all began at a very young age. My family always considered me a "sissy" even though at times I acted like the boy they expected me to be. Eventually I began to notice the negative reactions I received from peers and adults, teachers would give me inquisitive looks in response to my body language or speech. When I was two-ish years of age, my mother took a bath with me and washed me, I remember seeing her parts, then looking at my own and asking her why I had "stuff" down there and she didn't. She explained to me that it was because I was a boy and she was a girl. When I finally processed it I felt terrible, I was disgusted at the sight of my own genitals and wished them away... quite unsuccessfully. That was my first recollection of feeling wrong in my own skin and wishing I wasn't a boy. It grew with time and in response to each reaction others gave me for my feminine behavior and mannerisms I began to watch the other boys and copy them, disguising myself as a "normal boy" though that is hardly what I felt.
The desire to be a girl like my sister and mother was so strong from a very young age that I began to pray and plead to God to,
"Please, please, please, just make me a real girl. It felt so wrong to be a boy with boy parts and all I wanted was to be happy and feel right, and so please just make me a girl while I sleep so I wake up normal for me... make me okay and right. I want to be a sister and daughter, not a brother and son because it feels wrong any other way."
So far that didn't work and I finally gave up on that when I was eleven.
It became buried deep inside at that point and would seep out only on occasion, though it was always there, my dark secret burning inside of my mind.
Finally I am out to my close family and that has helped so very much, yet I still have a very large powerful DoD roadblock in my way.
Hopefully I can hold myself through it for a few more years until I'm out, otherwise I hope I can still retain my G.I. bill and go to college if I get separated from service for an Article 134 or something. I'm seeing the therapist for now.
*urgh*
Sorry about that. Every time I write or post I bleed much more of my heart into it than what the topic may request.

[Gracie]

Age, I don't know, there was always a problem it seemed, it was puzzling and I couldn't be comfortable with things as they were. Ok, physically it was part of me, but it dxidnt seem part of me make sense?
So I always thought ab out it. What I was, why I was the way I was, all that. Everything I liked to do, that m/ade happy - boys didn't like, and ididnt like what they liked - except for machines.
My grandma took me to see a movie "On a clear day" then I knew I was a girl. So 1970?
A few years later a friend got me in to see a movie "Fulfillment" for me I was sure then completely.
I wanted to be the girl scout, well not so much wanted to be, but was eve though I wasz supposed to be a boy.
Whatever, puberty was horrible I wish I ran away from home, I was a stupid boy and suffered thru every miserable day becoming a man.

I'm currently trying to become me, again.

[TS_Trisha]

I don't really have much of a story like you people do.

I am not even sure what happened to me, I mean I use to paint my tow nails when I was little sometimes but I never thought I would end up wanting to be a girl.

Ijust don't know what happened to me and I am try ing to figure it all out...

Should this bother me?

[REM1126]

I don't really have much of a story like you people do. Ijust don't know what happened to me and I am try ing to figure it all out...

Should this bother me?

If you ever think that you have figured it out, THAT should bother you. I truly do not think there are any rules to this, and anyone who tells you otherwise is probably full of shit. Your experience is yours; and no one else's is exactly the same.

You will probably worry about it anyway. I think that from time to time most of us have worried about why we are "who" we are, or "as" we are. I do not think that characteristic of the human experience is unique to trans people, but it may be more common in us because society tends to reject us and tell us that there is something wrong with us.

Anyway, only you know what you are going through, and only you can decide what is right for you.

Be happy. Good luck.

[prettydressedinpink]

I have never felt that I was a girl, but rather I simply wanted to be one.
I first wore girl's clothes at 5, then again at 9 through 20.
I first wanted to be a girl when I was about 10 or so, and thought, at age 11, that I was becoming one as I noticed (but didn't understand) the changes of puberty.

Melody

That how it was for me expect i was 13 at the time.

[time]

I was slow to figure things out. I knew my 6 there was some sort of problem, didn't really look at it until pressure built up in high school. Until after my parents divorced, I still felt telling my parents there was a problem would have been a fatal mistake. I first told my mother in 2003, and her husband at the same time.. he died 2 weeks later, never speaking to me again, mother still claims i'm bound for hell, and will not brook any discussions in that arena.
The funny thing I realized a while back, is if you look at my school yearbook pictures, they are almost a barometer of just how badly gender issues were affecting me.. BIG relaxed smile in 6th grade, slowly fading out, until by junior year, it looked like I'd just watched someone beat my dog

[Tawny Frogmouth]

I went through a similar arc, Time. My early history into my late teens was clear evidence of "something just not right" for anyone who could see it or understand it... even me. Having no reference to go by, I floundered for years until later revelation - and near madness - finally broke down the years of barriers and misdirection.

[Someone Else]

I love this post.

I think we all pick up on the negative vibes from an early age
on anything that is considered gender variant and how taboo that
is by society. It's often verbally reinforced but also sometimes
physical in terms of violence from other children or ostracization.

First memory is getting in trouble because I kept stealing my sister's coat around 5-6 years old. It probably only happened a couple/few times but I remember it. The second memory was second grade at first communion practice when I was 6 years old. I don't want to go into too much detail but that second memory is the one that hurts. First semester of high school was really tough for me since I went to an all boy's high school. It really took root that I wasn't like the other guys.

While active duty military I'd x-dress and didn't understand why I couldn't stop. That lasted till I got out and through a disasterous marriage. That 12 years was a series of binging and purging. Long hair, short hair, shaved, hairy... etc. So I think it was 30 when I realized what I am and understood it. I decided to do something about it around 32. Finally gathered the courage to self medicate around 36 and came out to the medical community at 39. Since then it's been therapy, hormones and working on my personal relationships.

[Amaya]

interesting replies here for me i had signs at about age 5 or 6. I began putting my socks inside my shirt so it appeared i had breasts. For my birthday wish all the way till i began transitioning it was to magically change to female. I never wished for nothing so much as i wished for this. I stopped wishing when i knew it was'nt going to magically happen so i turned to truth. I did research and begin to understand why i feel the way i feel. I like other people did think i was the only person to be like this. I was sexually assaulted in school @ age 8 so i got my first taste of being kissed on etc w/o wanting it not a good thing i know but i guess it happens. Happy thing though i did get back at that boy and spit all over his face that same week and threw rocks at him Before transitioning i played mmorpg games and expressed myself on there as a female and even told others i was female. I had enough with the games and said "Life is'nt a game" and put the controller/keyboard down and began what i should've started 10 years ago.

[tiffany_elizabeth]

I was 10 when I realized the wiring didn't match the frame and the plumbing, but that's only because that was the age at which I learned the physical differences between girls and boys (very sheltered childhood).

I was around 3 or 4 when I realized I was a girl. My life's ambition was to be a ballerina before I knew there were male ballet dancers. I was more content to play house with the girls at my babysitter's than war with the boys, and it always made me mad when they made me the father. I wanted to be the mother, and since my friend Amy insisted on filling that role I wanted her to reassign me to the role of daughter.

At the babysitter's I realized I was more like Amy than Jeff, even though everyone swore up and down I was a boy, and a year later I use to imagine myself having the same adventures as Patty Rabbit when Maple Town started its run here.

My mom didn't discourage my more feminine tendencies. She never would buy me a Barbie doll, but at the same time it didn't bother her when I played Barbie with my nieces, who are three and six years younger than me. It was more or less a gender neutral childhood.

Ironic that, even though she encouraged me when I wanted to be a ballerina, had no problem with me imitating Patty on Maple Town, and thought playing with dolls with my nieces was good for my development, to this day I still can't let her know that her straight son is really her lesbian daughter.

When she finds one of my bras or panties at my house she assumes I wear them for sexual reasons, as in her mind there's no other reason a man would wear women's clothing. Fortunately she at least pretends to believe me when I say my girlfriend left them behind the last time she was here.

[lvuittonaddict]

I've always "known", it just wasn't something i really thought about. I never really viewed myself as a boy. I never had any male friends until high school. In elementary school, I told a person on the bus that I wished I was a girl. My parents were pretty receptive to the fact that I didnt want boy's toys. If i wanted a purse, they would get me a purse. I had Polly Pockets, Barbies, this 90's toy called Fairywinkles, etc.

My mom realized when i was out by the pool. from the time that i was in, probably about 1st grade, I would wrap my towel around myself covering my "boobs". being a competitive swimmer until my senior year in high school, it was quite uncomfortable to wear my suit without something on top.

Idk, i dont think that there was a set date that I realized it, Ive always known, my feelings just got suppressed.

[thoughtisfragile]

My parents were pretty receptive to the fact that I didnt want boy's toys. If i wanted a purse, they would get me a purse. I had Polly Pockets, Barbies, this 90's toy called Fairywinkles, etc.

Lucky! I always wanted a Polly Pocket. Life sometimes. :-P

The first memory I have was when I was 4 and my parents were having a well dug (I'm from Nowhere, Alaska so that's what people did). The well guy and my dad were talking about something and I was standing in between them on the bumper of a truck or van. The well guy complemented me saying I was really pretty and I remember blushing and looking down. My dad got really upset and forcefully corrected the guy. The next day I got a hair cut.

That was when I realized that it wasn't ok to be feminine or girly.

[transgeneration.org]

three or four years old. I wish I would have however been able to transition in my teenage years much like a lot of these young ones are doing now days. LOL it kind of pisses me off and puts me in a jealous rage to see their parents cover their sexchange operation before 20!!