sophieN wrote:i so wish there was something i could think to say that had meaning, alicia. but if you must sacrifice one thing of value to save the other, then, as painful as it is to contemplate, it sounds like you've already inferred what you will be pressed to do. it doesn't mean, though, that your inner femininity can't inform all that you think and do while having saved your marriage. your family. i should probably just shut up, now. i'm sorry you are going through this. i wish you could beat the odds and have both. maybe, a session of your own with her therapist would give you some more insight. good wishes. sophie
FFChristie wrote:... transition is about us ...
Telanas wrote:... what may be best for her is not what's best for me ...
FFChristie wrote:It sounds to me like you need to decide who's more important in your life, yourself, or your wife, 'cause it sounds to me like your wife's already made that same decision, and it isn't you.
FFChristie wrote:This seed of doubt's been planted in her mind now, she's always going to question why you do anything, and which one of you is doing it, the guy, or the girl.
FFChristie wrote:In the end I hope it works out for the best for you, 'cause you're a rad lady who obviously cares deeply about your wife and your relationship, but it seems that you want to keep the relationship going for her sake, not for yours.
FFChristie wrote:As selfish as it sounds, transition is about us, we're able to finally feel more comfortable in our own skin. She's telling you that her comfort is more important than your's, and that doesn't sound like an equal partnership to me.
ej3ae wrote: I wasn't given the choice between transiton and keeping my wife because she said that it would be unfair of her to expect me to be someone I am not. She only told me it was over once she had decided to leave me so the ball was rather out of my court.
BecomingSusan wrote: I know that if I had not transitioned that I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
AliciaRyanne wrote:Id say there is an 80% chance she will leave if I continue on with transition. No idea as yet if she would entertain the idea of me stopping hrt or not...there's no guarantee she would accept that and promise forever after either.
Cricket wrote:Your wife needs to find a new therapist. Setting aside your transition, and her feelings about it, no reputable counselor would send someone home with such instructions in the first session. The therapist does not know enough about your wife, let alone the complexities of her relationship with you. It's unethical for this counselor to do what s/he did, one simply cannot assimilate sufficient information in a one hour period to make such an informed decision.
My recommendation would be for both of you to set aside your personal therapists and find a couples counselor with experience in transgender issues or non-traditional relationships.
Someone Else wrote:I am not so interested in what your projections are. How does she feel? You do realize that your spouse transitions too right? Be as supportive to her that you want her to be to you.
Someone Else wrote:By the way, my wife asked me if I would stay if she decided to transition. I said probably not. Then I thought about it and said I'd probably stick around till she started growing hair in guy spots. Then we talked about it a bit and figured that we only had about 10 years of *** left before we both started losing interest anyway and I conceded that I probably would stay since she is my best friend and I would never stop loving her. *** is just a bonus in our relationship anyway. What we have isn't based on *** and since my E has gotten higher and her E has naturally gotten lower we have more in common than ever.
Someone Else wrote:I got needy too, I am also high maintenance too. It happened to me. I can't explain it. You know? I sort of realized how needy I had become and made myself more available to her in response. It helped me be more attentive and supportive. If someone is supportive and attentive to your moods would you want to go elsewhere? Sex is just sex and that is also something to work through but emotional support is the key to a relationship.
Do everything you can to be supportive and understanding for her. She is likely trying for you as well. I can not imagine my life without that support. I'd be totally lost without my wife. I get where you are coming from. Just don't project failure. She still needs you to be strong.
Tell her what she means to you Alicia, treat every day like it is your last and make it last forever.
AliciaRyanne wrote:Really, how would you respond if someone said to you that you should get a different therapist because the one you've got is filling your head with mush? Especially when its the first person you've divulged your inner most feelings to???
I spoke of this to my own therapist and she did think in the context that I phrased it, that it would be un-ethical to implant one's own agenda in a patient's thinking. They'd lose their license. The issue is, said therapist that does such a thing would have to be reported. I do believe to an extent this is happening with my wife, but I cannot be the one to report it as I wasnt present. How would I then get my wife to see the truth of this without her turning her back on me?
FFChristie wrote:Does your wife know you post on this board? Maybe letting her see how truly devastated you are because of this situation will help. And maybe her seeing all of us trying to help you through this will help her see what a deserving person you really are.
Telanas wrote:Are you often depressed around your wife?
My wife says that's the kicker for her. And she has a lot more trouble coping in those circumstances.
She says what scares her the most is my "change of attitude" which I only can see a little, but she says I'm not as easy going as I use to be. If anything I think its the stress getting to me. But since I dont see this about myself as much its hard to say. She also says I've been acting really needy lately. (Which I can totally see). And that bothers her because she says I'm smothering her to a degree. I think this has all added up to making things more difficult for her.
Telanas wrote:My wife read a couple of my posts..... She misunderstood some of the things I said and it was (for lack of a better example) like a long distance relationship where she added emotion where there was none, or glossed over things that I think were important. She even read between the lines and filled in blanks to get a completely different impression.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I would offer for her to read, but make sure you have a follow up discussion too. Text is soooooo complicated when trying to sort through relationships...
AliciaRyanne wrote:She has made the comment though that I used to be somewhat of an ass and hard to get along with at times. But now, Im much easier to get along with and more fun to be around. Those comments were made though, before she started therapy...so obviously there was some hidden aggravation, frustration, anger, etc that pushed her to finally go to a therapist.
Randi wrote:My wife may not exactly be happy with having an MTF transsexual for a spouse, but she has definitely seen an improvement in my personality. As a male I always had to take control of everything, make all the important decisions and tell others what to do. I didn't really enjoy that, but it was what I thought the world expected of me.
Since I shrugged off that male exterior I don't have to be the one in control. I can be weak or indecisive. I can be dependent on others. I don't have to have an answer or solution to every problem. I can still make valid, informed suggestions, but I don't tell anyone what to do anymore.
That's a subtle, but very real change for the better. It's much easier to be around me not that I've replaced all that testosterone with estrogen. I can smile at other people and take the time to listen.
Like most women, she has a long memory and doesn't forget anything. When she brings up something bad I did in the past I say "That was the old (pet name)".
AliciaRyanne wrote:Its like they WANT to be mad at you to build up anger as a wall and self protection mode emotionally for a perceived imminent failure of said relationship.
If they can blame YOU, then they can believe to themselves that the eventual breakup wasnt their fault in any way.
George Hartwell M.Sc., Life Transformation Therapist wrote:often a 'nervous breakdown' is a significant life crisis, a transition time, an opportunity to leave behind the old and discover the new or, if not new, perhaps, the real core identity - the real more natural you. This is a time when a dysfunctional personality pattern is breaking down, and it is also a time for a new healthier personality pattern to emerge.
That is what you are shooting for from what I gather. It isn't the easy road but it's it is worth taking the one less traveled by.George Hartwell M.Sc., Life Transformation Therapist wrote:Disintegration may be followed by integration and consolidation in a healthier place.
Zilla wrote:Things are stuck as they are, and you're holding things back from her. That's not good for relationships. Especially from the way she takes your compliments, I think she's not fully trusting you, and... I have to say, with good reason.
Her therapist may have been right to tell her to withhold support, in a sense. I think it's exposed some underlying issues in your relationship, that I think you two can work out if you're both up-front about your feelings.
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