Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

RLT, HRT, FFS, and SRS Support

Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby ShakeBunny100489 » Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:55 pm

I've been on HRT for about a year now. I have changed my name, and am out to almost everyone I know, including my family.

So, everything is going great, except for one thing: I can't seem to dress like a girl the way every other MtF girl I know does. I have enough of a wardrobe that I could dress like that most of the time, but when I do put something on, I don't feel happy in it. I've gone out into public a few times wearing girl clothes, and the whole time I'm really anxious, and just waiting to go home so I can change. I have no idea why I'm like this.

Is it possible I'm not trans at all, because I don't want to dress like a girl? I mean, I don't have much of a problem with makeup, or anything else. It's not really an issue of passing, because I know I can pass just fine if I dress correctly. (sometimes I get gendered correctly if I still dress like a boy, actually)

It doesn't seem to be as big an issue for any other trans-women I know. They all seem really, really eager to try new things on, and look really feminine, but it scares me to death. I don't feel like I want to dress that way very often, and when I do, I try it, and end up freaking out. I don't understand why it's so hard for me.

Can anyone offer any advice at all? My girlfriend wants me to be happy, and I want that too, but at the point I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm scared stiff to make any progress.

Please help if you can.
-Jamie
User avatar
ShakeBunny100489
Regular
 
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2011 1:11 am

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby LVTrish » Sat Nov 03, 2012 7:13 pm

Just relax. A love a clothing is not required to be trans. Dress how you feel comfortable.

Some MtF dress extremely fem cause they like it. Some because it helps hide any masculine features. Some to make a statement. Some because of a mistaken belief that all girls are supposed to. Some because that is what was on top of the clean laundry pile.

You being trans (or not) does not rely on your fashion taste.

I wear scrubs and sneakers every day. Foundation and eye liner and thats about it. Trust me when I tell you, there is no doubt in anyone's mind who knows me, I'm a woman. (And i've never even owned a boa or a corset)

Of course on hooker night, thats a different story.... ^_^

Anyhow, TL;DR version : Relax, everyone is different.
The "LV" stands for Spring Hill!
User avatar
LVTrish
Member
 
Posts: 3514
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 5:26 pm
Location: Spring Hill, FL (Yes, I moved)

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby DYSSONANCE » Sat Nov 03, 2012 7:45 pm

ShakeBunny100489 wrote:Can anyone offer any advice at all?


Hello Jamie,

You know those people who are like "you already know the answers to all your questions" in the movies and shit? I'm like that.

Which means that all the answers to your questions are really in the above, but you might not see it as clearly. So I'm going to try and give you some advice, as you asked, and more I'm going to try and help you figure this out for yourself.

ShakeBunny100489 wrote:So, everything is going great, except for one thing: I can't seem to dress like a girl the way every other MtF girl I know does.


I saw this, and I immediately had one of those "a-ha!" moments, only it had nothing to do with a band. Or a really cool video. No, it had to do with the way you wrote the above, which I'm willing to bet is close to the way you thought about the above.

And that was verified when you said this:

ShakeBunny100489 wrote:It doesn't seem to be as big an issue for any other trans-women I know. They all seem really, really eager to try new things on, and look really feminine, but it scares me to death. I don't feel like I want to dress that way very often, and when I do, I try it, and end up freaking out. I don't understand why it's so hard for me.


Here' s the thing:

You are a woman who doesn't enjoy looking really feminine. That's why it is so hard for you.

See? That wasn't very hard, was it?

This might surprise you, but there are trans women who are more butch than some of the most macho men I know. They give hard core boi-dykes a run for their money.

THere are cis women who are butch, as well.

Now, you might be saying, about now, that you aren't really all that butch, either.

Well, in that case, welcome to the world where most of us hang out. I'm not all that feminine myself. I tend to be more on the femme side, but then I'm also doing stupid shit like welding in a skirt and heels.

I do not feel comfortable in pants. And yet, jeans are pants, and I feel fine in them. What that means is that I don't wear pants.

Ever.

But I do wear jeans. I have all the skirts and shit, but then, keep in mind, I also had a closet long ago that was all suits, dress shirts, slacks, ties, and had absolutely no jeans or anything remotely possibly girly in it.

SO I'm probably compensating in more than one way there.

You are worried, though, that you don't seem to like the same things other trans women like.

So?

I don't know very many Trans women who are interested in the way that as you brush off a layer of dust on a tablet made 6,000 years ago that the letters that probably haven't been read by a living soul in 5,000 years are suddenly there for you to see before anyone else in the world.

I don't know many trans women who find all that much interesting or exciting about the writings of Thomas Paine or Thomas Carlyle. And while there are a few who have the interest in Simone de Beauvior's work, few of them are interested in the way that she influenced Sartre and vice versa on a more philosophical level.

And there are, most sadly, very few trans women in my area who can talk intelligently to the comparisons between Lakota and Timor native views on what is Holy and how that differs from the western ideas and concepts around it.

For me, the skirt thing is one of the few things I do have in common with most trans women.

My point here is that I think perhaps you are caught up a little too much on trying to be like other people.

Don't do that.

Stop that. Right now.

You should be focused on being like, well, Jamie. Like *you*.

Hard habit to break, I know, but believe me, it is totally worthwhile. ANd you probably would feel a heck of a lot better.

ShakeBunny100489 wrote: I have enough of a wardrobe that I could dress like that most of the time, but when I do put something on, I don't feel happy in it.


Not to mention, you'd probably save a lot of money.

ShakeBunny100489 wrote:Is it possible I'm not trans at all, because I don't want to dress like a girl?


No. That, alone, has nothing whatsoever to do with your being trans or not. That has to do with finding your own personal style or not.

There are multiple forms of dysphoria. One is physical, one is social. Sometimes they combine. Sometimes they don't.

You need to take the time to find out what you feel comfortable dressed as. And then dress that way. It will make you more comfortable and that will in turn make you feel less like a fifth wheel.

There is an extraordinarily high amount of focus on "girly shit" in the trans community for women. But that doesn't mean the trans community is about girly shit for women.

Trish is right: Relax.

Be yourself.

That means you might need to go and find out who you are, first. ANd if that's the case, then you've got an adventure waiting, and you should probably get busy...
Executive Director, This Is H.O.W.
Facebook: This Is H.O.W.
Facebook: Antonia Elle D'orsay
User avatar
DYSSONANCE
Member
 
Posts: 3122
Joined: Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:41 am
Location: Phoenix, Arizona

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby PossiblyAnna » Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:02 pm

ShakeBunny100489 wrote: why I'm like this.

Is it possible I'm not trans at all, because I don't want to dress like a girl? I mean, I don't have much of a problem with makeup, or anything else. It's not really an issue of passing, because I know I can pass just fine if I dress correctly. (sometimes I get gendered correctly if I still dress like a boy, actually)


Nothing wrong with being a tomboy!


It doesn't seem to be as big an issue for any other trans-women I know. They all seem really, really eager to try new things on, and look really feminine, but it scares me to death. I don't feel like I want to dress that way very often, and when I do, I try it, and end up freaking out. I don't understand why it's so hard for me.


I think there are a couple things at play: first, exaggerating your gender with your clothing *does* help some people "pass." The first time I started passing was when I intentionally pushed the gender cues over the top by making ever aspect of my appearance feminine: clothing, nails, hair, even mannerisms. In your case, you have a feminine face, so you don't need to do that.

Second, there's a little bit of making up for lost time. When you've had to live your whole life unable to express yourself, you might go a little overboard when you finally get the chance!

The third thing is that some women -- trans or otherwise -- just like dressing up more than others. So, you're just one of the ones who doesn't! Honestly, my sister -- who is never caught dead in uncomfortable shoes -- would probably say the exact same thing!

Also, it's a fashion thing: your picture actually looks really feminine to me; kinda pixie-ish. That's kind of a "look" for some women -- trying to "boy-up" your feminine features only enhances them. Most trans women can't get away with that.

Anyway, you sound fine to me! :-)


-Anna
No "possibly" about it anymore... I'm Anna!

Yep, that's me!
User avatar
PossiblyAnna
Member
 
Posts: 2235
Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 3:12 am
Location: Smallbany, NY

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby Kittychloe » Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:53 pm

Personally i dont believe clothes have anything to do with being feminine, i have a few cis friends that hate wearing skirts and dresses i dont really think it makes them any less of a girl or less feminine.

Maybe its just me but the whole correlation between skirts/dresses/makeup = girly/feminine really pisses me off.. Or its because of the people i know and grew up with.

If you dont like dresses it doesnt make you any less female or feminine so wear what you like. Personally i hardly wear skirts or dresses but its more physical issues than not liking them, pants are just more comfortable atm..

Dont care what everyone else wears just wear what you want :)
24/11/87 - Born
18/09/08 - joined forum (cassiegrl)
06/07/09 - Start Hrt
--/11/09 - Start Laser, also went full time pre laser/electro (stupid move)
06/07/11 - Broke Arm
Srs/Ba fund - kitty litter bottle full of coins
User avatar
Kittychloe
Member
 
Posts: 3052
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:31 am
Location: The moon

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby Amy Farrah Fowler » Sat Nov 03, 2012 9:58 pm

God, you're cute! You look like an adorable tomboy to me, and like everyone else has said so far, there's nothing wrong with that! You're especially lucky that you've got that pixie thing going. As already mentioned, dressing boyishly and having a short girl's hairstyle with only a little bit of makeup, just emphasizes that you're a pretty tomboy--not a boy. You are you.

If you insist on comparing yourself to others, though, then remember all the millions of cis-women who live in jeans and a T-shirt. There are girly girls and there are tomboys, and there are all kinds in between. And there are those who dress to fit the occasion: going for a swim, camping, hiking, riding, lying around the house, mowing the lawn, going to work, attending a formal party, casual club dancing, whatever.

Except for when she was attending a wedding, I tried everything I could to get my ex to wear a dress to no avail. I also couldn't get her to grow out her hair. The few times that she wore more makeup than just lip gloss, it just didn't look right. It may have been because she didn't practice enough to get it right--it wasn't subtle enough, natural-looking enough, and it didn't suit her. I also never saw her wear any nail polish except clear, and that was rare. She shaved where she was expected to, occasionally wore cologne or very inconspicuous earrings, and that was about it. Did she think she was a boy? Did I? Anybody? (No.)

Dress the way you want. Dress to be comfortable.

You may be trans or may not be, but style has nothing to do with it.
2011 - came out to myself + began electrolysis
2012 - started HRT + completed laser hair removal
2013 - name & gender changed + full-time en femme
S00N - finishing electrolysis + FFS + BA + SRS
User avatar
Amy Farrah Fowler
Member
 
Posts: 4155
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2011 5:26 pm
Location: Cygnet XIV

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby Jenetic » Sun Nov 04, 2012 7:31 am

Pretty much just echoing the general sentiment here, but you're unique, you can dress however you want!

Just because you corrected your gender marker doesn't mean you now have to fit into those deep rooted archaic societal expectations.

I've always been really into clothes since my early teens (making, modding and customizing pretty much everything) and still I struggled with this same issue when I started transitioning. I got stuck in a mindset for awhile that no one would realize I was a girl if I didn't "dress the part". Upon researching how to dress the part, I had the epiphany that gender specific clothes were a myth and it's all about being myself.
fb-just because you aren't a Princess doesn't mean you aren't a Xena Warrior Princess.
User avatar
Jenetic
Member
 
Posts: 94
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:57 am
Location: Cascadia

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby jennx » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:20 am

LVTrish wrote:Just relax. A love a clothing is not required to be trans. Dress how you feel comfortable.



This + 1000. Clothes =/= Gender.

I work in a corporate environment, but wear flats, jeans and t-shirts most days. Unless I have a meeting with clients or a presentation, I leave the skirts, dresses and heels in the closet (I do have a bunch though, but hardly wear them). My boss is more interested in my results and less in my appearance and dress.

I still get the look and speech from my mom sometimes like... you're going to wear that out? Those jeans have holes in them! LOL! :lol: Why not wear a nice dress. :roll:

Wear what you like and feel comfortable in.
User avatar
jennx
Member
 
Posts: 396
Joined: Mon May 14, 2012 9:09 am

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby nexyjo » Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:31 pm

we are very much alike. i haven't worn makeup in years. and the last time a wore a dress when at my wedding, 7+ years ago. i am a total tom boy. i love power tools, prog rock, comic books, and guns. relish in your "youness".
User avatar
nexyjo
Board Moderator
 
Posts: 7674
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2005 8:16 pm
Location: phoenix

Re: Afraid/Unable to Dress Like a Girl? (MtF)

Postby Amy Farrah Fowler » Sun Nov 04, 2012 3:02 pm

Eunice.

Oh, sorry, this isn't one of the name threads.
2011 - came out to myself + began electrolysis
2012 - started HRT + completed laser hair removal
2013 - name & gender changed + full-time en femme
S00N - finishing electrolysis + FFS + BA + SRS
User avatar
Amy Farrah Fowler
Member
 
Posts: 4155
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2011 5:26 pm
Location: Cygnet XIV


Return to Transition

coiae

Consonance of Identity and Expression


© 2000 - 2012 The Ultimate Paradigm