Just a few days ago I realized that everything in my life is resolved when coming to the realization that I am indeed a girl. Given the unending barrage of pervasive and self-torturing thoughts on the matter, I don't think I can maintain any degree of sanity without beginning a feminization regimen. I'm 27- 165, 5'11" and played soccer and football throughout my adolescence (I've still got all the manly muscles plus some beer gut to work with).
I've been deeply troubled, philosophically, why exactly I feel the need to change my outward appearance. Living life as a man, I've always been an ascetic, completely disconnected from all forms frivolity. I'm not sure if this was a survival mechanism to obscure the absolute and necessary realization that I am a woman; to protect me from the social and emotional destruction that would have followed in my own youth, or if it's an issue with my own sense of identity feeling genuinely like a woman. In many ways, the idea of feminization feels more like a ritual to unlock the true manifestation of self. The irony is that gender roles are socially defined- definitions that I've never really cared for. And yet, if I put on some heels or a dress, for a brief moment, I can wake up and really be myself. A sort of femme-armor that catalyzes genuine interaction with the world that, I realize now, I've been completely disconnected from.
My need is sudden and urgent. Having come face to face with the realization and accepting it (or rather, being forcibly liberated by it), my mind can't tolerate skirting with the idea any longer. The momentum is too great- and I fear that my behavior will become self-destructive if I cannot rationalize a way to release the femme. This is especially complicated given that I'm married- but I, as she realized long before me, have never quite been a person. Never been a self-realized individual- existentially functional, aware, but not alive.
Now- my thoughts are conquered. Every second of every day, the creative caverns of my mind are consumed with manifesting this actuality into reality. I can manage a brief respite with certain ritualistic behavior- cooking dinner in heels, shaving my legs, drinking ineffective teas. When my wife calls me a girl, it too gives me satiety, or even just reminding myself or behaving in a manner that channels my true self-- but these rituals in themselves are not sufficient. It's no longer a, "What would it be like to be a woman?" or "I want to be a woman" or a doubt of my manliness. But rather- "I am a woman" - more or of a girl really, just opening up for the first time-- feeling... at peace in many ways. This conquest over my overly-rational mind, which cannot make any sense of this, gives me an amazing sense of relief. However, the urgency is too powerful.
I am polling the sages, so to speak, in search of a feminization strategy-- a proverbial unicorn to facilitate fast and safe transformation. It isn't a decision, but a requisite to live. I'm already finding it difficult to eat- a compulsion to shed muscle mass built in my youth. I digress from my purpose, but sharing some of my experience thus far helps a great deal.
To the point.
I have fairly strong understanding of the steroidal pathway that allows for feminization to occur. Let me preface all of this by saying that I am completely ignorant about the community (apart from a stealth I dated a while back) and particularly not familiar with the procedures that people typically go about when feminizing. I need to do as much as I can to retain my sanity while I wade through the arduous process of getting a prescription (though I've never taken medication, ever, and am philosophically opposed to the idea).
As I understand it- Aromatase is the ultimate deciding enzyme in sexual dimorphism. It converts Testosterone into Estrogen. Most studies on Aromatose are in the development of inhibitors to help reduce the proliferation of breast cancer. The quantity of aromatase pretty much determines what your balance of estrogen and testosterone is. Unfortunately, the literature on aromatase promotion is awful. It appears that Glycyrrhizin is the most effective aromatase promoter found in nature (licorice), but it's also dangerous. White Peony is the only other thing that I've been able to find (used to increase levels of aromatase in rats to test aromatase inhibitors). Aromatase promotion, fortunately, does not compete with anti-androgens or estrogens (though many plants contain all three), which makes it a desirable mechanism to exploit. I'm looking into acquiring Peony root to produce a sublingual tincture (coincidentally, alcohol is an aromatase promoter) that, hopefully, will help with that.
Most phytoestrogens compete with your naturally produced estradiol in binding to your limited estrogen receptors. In this sense, it's all about quality over quantity-- no matter how much soy or flax you eat, nothing will happen because isoflavones and lignans will only block your own estradiol. The only thing with literature to the contrary is Pueraria Mirifica, which, while not as potent as synthetics, actually appears to provide some net-gain of femininity.
The only other thing to look at is antiandrogens- most of these herbs have confounding effects, apparently. They contain a combination of phytoestrogens and antiandrogens, which in effect will typically do very little. In the case of Soy dominant cultures, however, there is a noticeable androgyny between men and women- of course, we're not approaching this from a pre-natal timescale, so Soy is worthless. Pygeum africanum and Spearmint look to be the best options. Other things that seem to help are DIM-containing vegetables, but most come with competitive estrogenic compounds that nullify the bonus- so I don't know of a good DIM-source or if DIM is a good idea... it can be found isolated though, which may make it viable.
In my minuscule amount of research and understanding of the goings-on- stuff like Black Cohosh and Saw Palmetto aren't likely to be effective at achieving any real results. They are used because they don't cause gender issues
First question-- Has anyone had any experience with those* herbals? How about in relation, at the very least, an effect on your mood?
* Pueraria mirifica, Pygeum Africanum, White Peony, Spearmint
The basic goal of feminization, in an appearance sense, is a redistribution and re-proportioning of body fat- which is what the sex hormones will do. To supplement this, a diet heavy in saturated fats facilitate the creation of hormones-- I imagine Organic Unhomogenized grassfed etc. Heavy Cream would be the best source. Apart from eating a balanced without competing phytoestrogens. In addition to the goal of body fat distribution, however, I severely need to reduce my muscle mass- my quadriceps and shoulders are very imbalanced and... they've got to go >_>.
So- There is an interesting metabolic 'thing' that happens when people go on calorie restrictive diets. They lose fat and some muscle, but when they go off the diet their body springs back to what it was beforehand. This is because calorie restriction produces hormones that tell the body to go into fat-storing mode as a result of being in a famine (starvation). When you start eating those calories again, your body puts all of that fat right back on to bring you back to equilibrium.
The reduction of muscle mass and the redistribution of body fat can be managed using two basic techniques. Steady State Cardio and Calorie restriction. Steady State cardio is, more or less, how marathon runners train. It's really the ONLY effective way to reduce muscle mass (though you'll need something like yoga to do so without injury). Calorie restriction is better known as starvation, and should be kept at safe levels (~10 pounds a month is considered benign/extremely safe). This regime is, more or less, what Christian Bale did for his role in The Machinist- of course, we don't want to take it that far, but it is a proof of concept.
After a target weight is reached, it's safe to stop working out and start fattening up. All of the hormonal supplementation will, hopefully, cause all of the new body fat to be stored in a more feminine way. For this to work, however, we need to reduce our VO2 max, otherwise our muscles will suddenly bulk up- so a long rest period would be needed (though, I imagine it would be safe to do some gentle-tightlacing, which would reduce O2 intake and further nail in the shape/atrophy- I wonder if the contouring would effect fat distribution? Probably not- but it's interesting to consider).
This Metabolic 'Trick' intuitively came to me from my understanding of body-building and cutting, and all of the mechanisms described above can be done in a safe manner- though it would be stressful on the heart (which is another reason why licorice is out of the question) if it was pushed too far. Steady-State will reduce your body fat to about 5%, so- achieving a reasonable profile for your height would require undershooting your weight by about 15%, and then fattening up to that point.
The logic is sound and I know that the metabolic trick will work- I suspect that it would greatly increase the efficacy of any hormonal treatment, including a weak combination of herbs and a non-conflicting diet. Even marginal success would be okay. I think it's more about the journey anyway.
Has anyone had any experience with feminization and the metabolic trick described above? I know that it's all very... stupid- but I need my femme-armor and am absolutely resolved to do all that I can... apart from being patient >_>. I think- repressing it for 27 some-odd years was as much patience as I could manage. I'm not going to do anything dangerous, but I am very serious about doing this right.
Also- Are herbals totally pointless? I think the right mixture in the right conditions will work. I imagine most herbal-fails are due to a lack of information and a conflicting diet. Most of the herbs are a double-edged sword and many diets will contradict any effect they may have-- and I can't even imagine estrogenic compounds surviving the digestive tract or being adopted/utilized- but a tincture should work significantly better in that regard.
I suppose this is more of a... reaching out- looking for other's experiences and what sort of regimens, apart from the synthetics, have had some success. I'm still wavering on the synthetic issue- My mind really needs the emotional supplementation and I could definitely use a reduction in libido, but I'm not sure how available that will be for me or whether I can contradict personal philosophy and consume a synthetic.
Thank you for reading- it feels good to talk about it.